The Voice...

I'm a stay-at-home Mom and I love it. I'm thankful God has allowed me to be home with our children. I know this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and there's peace in that, but one of the things I've been struggling with over the past few months is this little voice in my head. It's saying things like: "Am I doing enough with Amelia?" "Is she bored??" "She needs to be around other children on a regular basis." "Should I put her in MDO??" "What about Little Gym??" "Art classes would be good!!"

Bless Alex's heart, I'm sure he's tired of me talking about these things and he has been so patient with me as I have prayed and talked and talked and prayed and finally realized what God has been trying to tell me in all of this.

I'm a homebody and really enjoy just being here at the house with Amelia. We can go a full week without going anywhere. That's why a tank of gas will last over 2 weeks in my car. I have zero desire to fill up a calendar with social events for my 2 year old. I'm not huge on regular play dates, not that there's anything wrong with them, I just don't like to commit to being at play dates twice a week or even once a week. We have commitments to our church twice a week and she gets to play with other children at that time, but "the voice" came to a point of really getting on my nerves and I needed to take care of it.

I've looked into taking her to The Little Gym or to art classes or to ballet and everything I've looked into tells me she's too young. Three years old seems to be the age all that starts. Little Gym takes younger kiddos but the parent has to be right there and able to run and chase them.

I'm 8 weeks from having a baby - no one wants to see me chasing after my toddler right now.

After reading THIS BLOG, which has been such a blessing to me as a pastor's wife, I realized that there's nothing wrong with spending more time at home. There's nothing wrong with my child not being involved in numerous activities outside of the home. There's nothing wrong with just being still. Being quiet.

God's Word actually encourages it.

I say to Amelia a lot, "be still." I say this because I'm trying to get her to be still long enough for me to speak to her and her actually hear what I'm saying.

I've always said that I have my most meaningful conversations with my Heavenly Father when I'm in the car or in the shower...times that I have to be still. Those quiet moments where Dora the Explorer isn't in the background...Amelia isn't saying, "Mommy, I want jello!"...my phone isn't ringing...my computer isn't in front of my face...and on and on and on.

It's so easy to look at others and feel like I'm not doing enough with my child. I'm not keeping her busy enough. Truth is, I don't want to keep her busy for the sake of saying our calendar is full, or to give myself a certain amount of "free-time" every day. She really needs time with me and her Daddy more than anyone else right now. The next 16-18 years are some important ones and though I do hope to see my little girls in a sweet tutu and ballet shoes someday, bi-weekly play dates, ballet classes, and mothers-day-out are not what will shape my children into what I pray they will be one day.

Young women who can be still.
Young women who can be quiet.
Young women who can hear God and truly KNOW WHO HE IS.
Young women who could care less what the world says is important.
Young women who are sold out for Jesus and make others want what they have in HIM.

That's what I pray over Amelia and Sydney.

And it's my and Alex's job to teach them these things - no one else's.

I have a hard enough time hearing others and being attentive in my relationships above all the noise that every day life brings. I sure can't hear my Heavenly Father if I'm always on the go. If I'm never in His Word. If I'm never still/quiet enough to know exactly what He's telling me to do - telling me what not to do - telling me what to say - telling me what NOT to say.

I love where she says:
"Religion has accepted the monstrous heresy that noise, size, activity, and bluster make a man dear to God. But we may take heart. To a people caught in the tempest of the last great conflict God says, “Be still and know that I am God,” and still He says it, as if He means to tell us that our strength and safety lie not in noise but in silence."

"Life is in the silence because God is there. If we will just listen."

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life:
no man cometh unto the Father, but by me."
-John 16:6

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
-Psalm 46:10

I don't ever want to get to a point of constant wishing for more hours in a day because I've filled mine to the max. God knew exactly how many hours I need in my day to accomplish what truly needs to be accomplished.

I'm thankful to say...the voice is gone.

Love to all,

Recipe for a happy marriage...

I *heart* Lissa over at Humble Pie. When she writes about marriage - I just sit there nodding my head...saying out loud, "yes...yes." Her story is similar to my own so I feel a bond with her even though we've never met!

I encourage you to read her latest post - recipe for a happy marriage. One of my favorite parts of her post:

"The other day I was driving down the road and I said to God, "I'm tired of having the label of the girl that was in a broken marriage. I want to blog about cooking and cleaning and be just like everybody else" That's when God sweetly said to me, "That's not your label at all. Your label is REDEEMED."

I started crying when I read that. I don't know how many times I've thought that to myself. We've been asked to share our story or talk to couples that are going through a hard time in their marriage and when I start to share - it's hard. The enemy tells me that I should be embarrassed or that God could never use me because of my past. And that's simply not true. Like Lissa said, I am REDEEMED!!

Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it!
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb!
Redeemed through His infinite mercy,
His child, and forever, I am.

Head over and read her post. You will be blessed!

Love to all,

Choosing to obey...

Amelia has found a new infatuation with our trash can. I'm not going to lie. The trash can is cute. It's bright orange and I love it too. So much that when I saw it while on vacation, I had my brother tote it all the way home to Arkansas in the back of his truck.



She first just started to stand up by the trash can and admire it, and then started touching it, and then she did something that I never even dreamed she would do. She LICKED the trash can. I immediately said, "No Amelia...don't lick the trash can!!" While on my way over to snatch her up, she quickly got in one last lick. I'm gagging while writing this. I honestly thought to myself while carrying her to the living room, "what would possess her to LICK the trash can!??"

Another thing she has started doing is throwing her cup onto the floor when finished with it. I've been working with her on handing it to me when she's finished or even better - just sitting it back down on her high chair tray. Today we went head-to-head over throwing her cup down. She would sit and wait for me to turn around and would be dangling her cup over the edge of her tray - with this look on her face that said, "take one more step towards me and it hits the floor." I would walk toward her and say, "no-no." She then quickly dropped the cup and just looked at me like, "what now, Mama?" We went round and round...she was in tears. I knew at this point it was no longer about making a mess on the floor - it was about obedience. The cup was staying on the tray. It's important to me that Amelia has boundaries and will never question what's going to happen if she disobeys. I believe she'll find security in that. She'll always have a choice, but will also know there will always be consequences. After several times of dropping the cup on the floor and having her hand spanked, I turned around and she was holding her cup up and was waiting for me to look at her. She then gently sat it back on her tray.



I'm not going to lie...I started crying. I said, "YAY AMELIA!!" "GOOD JOB, BABY!!" She then started cheering for herself, clapping her hands and saying, "YAY!!". We hugged and celebrated her obedience.

I know it's my job to teach Amelia, but God uses this little girl to teach me, as well. Things that I know, but may be currently ignoring. I sat there crying because she chose to obey. I was so proud of her. Because if she's anything like her Mama, she can have a strong will and would much rather do things her way than someone else's way. It's not always easy to submit in obedience. I know without a doubt, there have been times in my life that I chose to hang out around the trashcan and get one last "lick" in - making my Heavenly Father gag on His way in to snatch me up and give me a good spanking.

I can just imagine how happy it must make Him when I choose:
Right vs. wrong.
Obedience vs. rebellion.
Faith vs. fear.
Forgiveness vs. resentment.
Him vs. self.

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." -Psalm 51:17

"Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!" -Deuteronomy 5:29

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." -2 Timothy 1:7

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you." -Matthew 6:14

“...Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24

Love to all,

Giving her back...

When Alex and I struggled to get pregnant, I found myself feeling closer to God than I've ever felt in my life. You might think a three year struggle with infertility would drive someone away from Him, but that wasn't the case with me. I went through so many emotions over those three years. Just thinking about it, brings all of those emotions back and I start crying while writing this. I would get angry. I would cry. I would raise my voice at Him. Yet at the end of every day, I would find myself right back on my knees. Trusting Him to give me a child. Trusting Him to open my womb and make me a mother. It's amazing how one minute I would believe it with everything in me and the next minute, I would be curled up on the bed - Alex assuring me that it was going to happen. Someday.

During our last IVF cycle, I was driving down Bowman Road. Just talking to the Father like I would my earthly Daddy. I told Him that if He would only bless me with a child, I promised to give that child back to Him. To raise him/her to love Him and Him alone. To bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

And I meant it.

That's when I heard Him say, "it's your turn." I knew right then....this IVF cycle was going to work. I had asked Him time and time again, "when will it be my turn?" Literally, those are the words that I used when I talked to Him and when I would talk to family & friends about it. Over and over again, I would ask. And for the first time in those three years, He said it. "It's your turn." I had trusted it was going to happen over those three years, even before that conversation, but this time I HEARD HIM. I cried the entire way home that day. Tears of joy.

My miracle baby is now one year old.

I was reading Angie Smith's blog today and boy did God get a hold of me.

As I get Amelia ready for bed every night, I pray over her. I pray lots of things, but one thing that I never EVER forget to pray, is for her safety. I pray for God to place angels around her bed and to give her peaceful sleep. And though I don't voice it, I think to myself, "please don't let her stop breathing." I don't voice it because if I did, that would show my distrust. As if not voicing it, He can't read my mind and heart. A mind and heart that is afraid He's going to take my baby away. As if to teach me a greater lesson than infertility ever could have taught me. I read stories of parents losing their children and I honestly don't know how they continue to live. I've had this precious girl in my life for a year (not including pregnancy) and the thought of losing her makes me weep. Just the THOUGHT of it. I check on her many times before bed. I send Alex in to check on her before he comes to bed. I promised God that I would give my child back to Him, raise her to love Him and Him alone...if He would only bless me with a child. And here I am - taking her back. In my heart I know that she's His, but my actions don't show it. I continue to try and control something that is completely out of my control. I pray the words every night, but I haven't truly trusted Him to keep Amelia safe. And if He were to choose to take her away, I haven't trusted Him to take care of me.

Father, I'm sorry.
Forgive me for my distrust in You.
Forgive me for continuing to try and take control over my life.
It's Yours.
I'm Yours.
Amelia is Yours.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for continuing to deal with me in areas that I need to give to You.
Thank you for Amelia and for the joy she brings to my life.
I give Her back to You, Father.
You can care for her, far better than I can.
Make me the wife/mother that You would have me to be.
In YOUR NAME I pray, Amen.