Saturday, February 27, 2010

Speak...

It's Saturday afternoon. My house is quiet. Amelia is snuggled in my bed taking a nap and Alex is at the office. I tried to sleep in this morning, but couldn't. My head was killing me, so I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of the strongest coffee I could stand. It worked. Head is feeling better.

I haven't touched my blog in almost a week. I would sit down and try to write and each time it led to me closing my computer and walking away.

It has been a hard week. An emotional week. I'm tired. I feel like I have nothing to give. It's not something that I will share right now, but it involves change. Why is that word so scary?

I guess because I feel so out of control.

*cue God laughing*

You would think after 33 years of life, I would have figured out that I've never been in control.

I'm a slow learner.

Things in Alex's and my life are changing in a couple of different areas. It's something that I have to give back to God every few minutes. Not every day. Not every hour. Every few minutes. I know God has a plan and I know it's perfect. I truly believe that. Sometimes I just wish that I had a "God-phone" that I could pick up and talk directly to Him. Ask Him what's up...what's the plan, Stan? Uh, I mean God.

Oh wait.

So we do have a direct line, you say?

Nice.

I'm a slow-learner.

To be surrounded by so many people, I've felt more alone this week than I've ever felt in my life. I think the words, "I just feel so alone" have come out of my mouth at least a dozen times. There is something particular that I've been praying for and have asked those that I'm closest, to pray for as well. I was sharing my heart with my Momma this morning through email and once again shared this certain want/need that I have. Something that I've been asking (more like begging) Him to bless me with. She wrote, "Maybe He is wanting you to lean especially on Him."

The song, Hungry (Falling On My Knees) by Joy Williams came to mind immediately. I stuck it in the cd player and turned it up.

I cried.

I sang.

And then I cried some more.

Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all
This heart is living for

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch
Restores my life
So I wait for You
So I wait for You


I have been asked to wait before. I was asked to wait for 3 years to have my precious Amelia. God told me over and over, "wait - it's not your turn."

So here I am. Waiting. Doing my best to stay so close to Him that I'll have no doubt what He's saying when He speaks.

Speak Lord.

Speak.

13 comments:

Mom of 3! said...

I love LOVE that song! I'll be lifting you up in prayer :) If you want to get together or talk or whatever, I'm always here for you.

Love you!

amy said...

Oh I just love that song. Gets me every time! Praying for you, sweet friend. God is faithful. Hang in there!

Cuddles and Chaos said...

I have never heard that song so thank you for sharing. I needed it as well.

Praying for you and sending you hugs from blog land. Thank you for being the woman that you are and especially for opening your heart. I guess sharing your heart.

Christi

Faith said...

I love that song and I love you friend! I'll be in prayer for you and whatever it is that God is taking you through right now. I know He will give you just what you need at just the right moment. You are precious to Him, and to me.

Hugs,
Faith

Heather said...

I am saying a prayer for you in your waiting. Waiting is just the pits! Love you friend!

Nitzia said...

i'll be thinking of you.... if you need something for a chance and want to hang out some time let me know and i'll be glad to get together with you. give me a call whenever you want :)

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

Not sure what's going on. Sorry it's so difficult for you. But I pray that you find God's answers soon.

Joannah said...

Whatever it is, you will not only get through it, you will thrive. Cast all your cares upon Him...

:)

Joannah

Linda Lou Rogers Averitt said...

Jill, I am praying for you, when you wait on the Lord you will mount up as wings of Eagles and run and not be weary and walk and not faith.....waiting is NEVER easy, I will pray for grace and mercy to wait till God comes though for you, He will, He always does and your needs and concerns are close to His heart and He holds every tear! I love you

Shannon said...

I'll be praying for you, Jill! Good is GOOD!

The Patterson's said...

Waiting is so hard, but I think we both know that it is also so worth it! Hope your prayer is answered soon!

Seraphim said...

darling girl, I hope that you have peace in your heart and that you hear what you need. So much love to you. Hugs
xxxx

Mel said...

I am so behind but reading this post made my heart hurt for you. I am praying for you and I know that you will find your way through this situation with God's hand leading you the entire way. You've overcome so much with such grace, I can't imagine that there isn't anything you can't tackle.
*hugs*