Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Giving her back...

When Alex and I struggled to get pregnant, I found myself feeling closer to God than I've ever felt in my life. You might think a three year struggle with infertility would drive someone away from Him, but that wasn't the case with me. I went through so many emotions over those three years. Just thinking about it, brings all of those emotions back and I start crying while writing this. I would get angry. I would cry. I would raise my voice at Him. Yet at the end of every day, I would find myself right back on my knees. Trusting Him to give me a child. Trusting Him to open my womb and make me a mother. It's amazing how one minute I would believe it with everything in me and the next minute, I would be curled up on the bed - Alex assuring me that it was going to happen. Someday.

During our last IVF cycle, I was driving down Bowman Road. Just talking to the Father like I would my earthly Daddy. I told Him that if He would only bless me with a child, I promised to give that child back to Him. To raise him/her to love Him and Him alone. To bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

And I meant it.

That's when I heard Him say, "it's your turn." I knew right then....this IVF cycle was going to work. I had asked Him time and time again, "when will it be my turn?" Literally, those are the words that I used when I talked to Him and when I would talk to family & friends about it. Over and over again, I would ask. And for the first time in those three years, He said it. "It's your turn." I had trusted it was going to happen over those three years, even before that conversation, but this time I HEARD HIM. I cried the entire way home that day. Tears of joy.

My miracle baby is now one year old.

I was reading Angie Smith's blog today and boy did God get a hold of me.

As I get Amelia ready for bed every night, I pray over her. I pray lots of things, but one thing that I never EVER forget to pray, is for her safety. I pray for God to place angels around her bed and to give her peaceful sleep. And though I don't voice it, I think to myself, "please don't let her stop breathing." I don't voice it because if I did, that would show my distrust. As if not voicing it, He can't read my mind and heart. A mind and heart that is afraid He's going to take my baby away. As if to teach me a greater lesson than infertility ever could have taught me. I read stories of parents losing their children and I honestly don't know how they continue to live. I've had this precious girl in my life for a year (not including pregnancy) and the thought of losing her makes me weep. Just the THOUGHT of it. I check on her many times before bed. I send Alex in to check on her before he comes to bed. I promised God that I would give my child back to Him, raise her to love Him and Him alone...if He would only bless me with a child. And here I am - taking her back. In my heart I know that she's His, but my actions don't show it. I continue to try and control something that is completely out of my control. I pray the words every night, but I haven't truly trusted Him to keep Amelia safe. And if He were to choose to take her away, I haven't trusted Him to take care of me.

Father, I'm sorry.
Forgive me for my distrust in You.
Forgive me for continuing to try and take control over my life.
It's Yours.
I'm Yours.
Amelia is Yours.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for continuing to deal with me in areas that I need to give to You.
Thank you for Amelia and for the joy she brings to my life.
I give Her back to You, Father.
You can care for her, far better than I can.
Make me the wife/mother that You would have me to be.
In YOUR NAME I pray, Amen.


andreajennine said...

Oh. Jill. Good words.

Lauren & Eddie said...

My boy was born the same week as Amelia. I didn't struggle with infertility but I've watched lots of friends go through that struggle as well as miscarriages. We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until I was 14 weeks. Throughout my pregnancy, but especially the first trimester, my prayer was for God's will. I can remember literally gripping the steering wheel on my way home one day and telling Him that whatever happened that this was HIS baby. I am honored that He chose me to care for James but I know that he is HIS baby. That being said, I struggle every night just like you do. Why is it that the night is so scary. It's gotten easier but the whole "please don't let him stop breathing" thing has me in its grips, too. Thanks for this post!

Amber said...

Oh my goodness. I totally understand how you feel. You have written this so beautifully. Thanks for sharing!!

Kristina said...

WOW! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Jen said...

I tried to leave you a comment earlier but the silly computer acted up so I don't know if it worked. If you get two from me, you can delete one!

This is beautiful.

Isn't it funny how there are some things we have no problem turning over control to God and there are some things we think we still need to control. Thanks for sharing this post. It is a good reminder to us all.

Love the new blog design! Love you!

Momx6 said...

And you'll have to continue to do over and over the rest of her me, I know! :) I also know we can trust Him!

I like the new blog look! It was a surprise!

Mel said...

This is beautifully written.

I felt often during pregnancy like I was just on the edge. Constantly on the edge of jumping off in to the abyss of worry and fear and obsession. But the Spirit kept me in amazing check throughout my pregnancy and life with a baby... My husband often asks how I can remain SO calm and collected within my motherhood and I have always simply given it to God. He WILL always guard your child. His will is greater than ours.


Kym J said...

Oh, Jill, the joys of motherhood. It's so hard,yet so rewarding. It's a common bond with moms, say the words and watch a mothers face change, we've all felt it. I still have to force myself to sit back down and say the prayer, "Lord you controll all things, I trust you even though I am weak. I know you love them more than I can, You are more than I know, protect them and give me peace." It never fails that I fall fast asleep.

Ashley said...

Wow. Thank you for writing this. You have such a sweet heart! Even just being pregnant, it was great to read this little reminder to trust Him fully. I love what you said-He can take better care of Amelia/my baby/whoever than we ever could-and THANK GOODNESS!

And I LOVE your new blog design, too! Did you come up with the idea to use "Laughing All The Way"??? LOVE THAT!

Heather said...

I love this and need to read this and be reminded of it over and over and over. Why is it so hard to trust God EVEN THOUGH He has been SOOOOOO faithful to us again and again? I get so frustrated with myself for failing in this area.
I have been so bad at commeting on blogs lately because Miss AK is just constantly on the move and into something but Amelia's birthday party was FAB!!! GIRL---you did such an amazing job! What a sweet time to celebrate your blessing!!! Christmas time is here!!! YAY!!!

Newlywed Next Door said...

Beautiful post. Just beautiful.

Linda Lou Rogers Averitt said...

A parents heart, it is so hard to leave them in the hands of the Father, if we could only realize He is in total contorl of them any way:) and will give us grace to face each new day no matter the out come, it is still scarey to think of ever losing a child, not sure I could endure but do not need the grace for it today, thank the Lord, pray I never will:)) God does not have grand children, we are all HIS!!

Nitzia said...

I love this post Jill and your prayer at the end.... this is one of the hardest things i have struggle with and i have felt this same way ever since Sara was born and now with John William. I totally understand you and i'm sure God knows and understands when He himself gave His only Son up for all of us... only God could do something like that, we are human beings with many imperfections and i truly believe that God is at work even if we feel we are not making any progress in this area of giving our kids back to Him. All we can do is to keep praying with a faithful heart and He will do the work :)

annalee said...

beautiful post from the heart. you are not alone. i struggle with this NIGHTLY. thank you for your encouragement to TRULY TRUST.