Just as soon as I make plans - something happens that throws them out of whack.
Few things about me:
I'm a planner.
I love lists.
I love to check things off a list.
I love to plan a party.
I love for parties to go as planned.
God started showing me a few year ago that I was so wrapped up in planning the party and stressing about things going as planned that I was unable to actually ENJOY THE PARTY. Not something I enjoyed hearing but it was SO TRUE.
I didn't want to be a Martha - all up in the kitchen, frazzled about the details and unable to enjoy my company.
I wanted to be a Mary - sitting down to enjoy the ones I took time to invite into my home in the first place.
Allowing God to change my heart in this area changed everything. It's not that what Martha was doing was unimportant - I believe she had a servant's heart - she just lost focus of what was MORE IMPORTANT. She let worry and anxiety about everything being "just right" for Jesus and His disciples distract her. And Jesus called her out on it.
I guess you could say Jesus called me out on it too...through my husband's wise counsel. :)
Few more things about me:
I have the gift of hospitality.
I love to cook a good meal for someone.
I love to make it special in some way.
I enjoy serving others in that way.
A fun party to me is in the smallest details - that's my way of making it special for those who attend.
I've been wanting to spend special time with Amelia before Sydney arrives. I'm so excited for her to be a big sister and yet I have this need to soak up our last few weeks of her being an only child. I want to make the most of every minute - right down to forgetting the laundry for a bit and doing simple things like coloring together.
One of the things we've been so excited about is her Valentine party. We picked everything out together. She even picked out a lot of things on her own. I've laughed at the things she says she needs at the party. She has talked about this party for months. She knows every single guest that received an invite and talks about them every day. I love to hear her say, "is today my balentine party?"
One day she'll pronounce her V's and talk like the rest of us...I see no need to correct her...it's too cute hearing her talk right now.
We were running errands yesterday morning (for the Valentine party) and I started having some major abdominal pain. The pain brought me to tears and lasted for a few hours. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and they ended up checking me into L&D to run more tests for preeclampsia. They made me stay the night.
Couple of things about today:
Amelia's Valentine party was today.
We had to reschedule it.
Party didn't go as planned.
Old Martha made an appearance and I had a mini-meltdown.
I got distracted and started getting anxious...worrying about the details.
Worrying that Sydney would arrive before she was ready. Worrying Amelia would be heartbroken and think I'm a liar because this is the 2nd party in her short life that we've talked about for months and didn't go as planned.
I was sent home this afternoon and I'm officially on bed rest until Sydney arrives. We started steroids to prepare and we're praying my body will cooperate so Sydney can stay put for a couple more weeks.
After a little minute (or 24 hours) I realized:
It doesn't matter that Amelia's Valentine party will take place three days after Valentine's Day. She just wants to eat cake and have friends over to play.
I also realized:
My sweet Sydney is God's child, not my own. He will take the very best care of her.
How many times over will I have to learn that lesson? I can't even tell you how many times He has reminded me of this.
Not knowing exactly what my body is going to do can be terribly frustrating.
Not being able to care for my husband & daughter in every way makes me sad.
Not being able to cook for my family is something I already miss.
Not being able to wash my own laundry is terribly humbling.
Not being able to go to the store to run a quick errand is a bummer.
But I'm choosing to give my worries/anxiety to God. Because all worry/anxiety does is take my focus off Him and I start trying to handle it all on my own.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
After my reading this afternoon, I also realized I must find ways to be thankful during this time.
Something I'm thankful for today:
I'm thankful that I'm not having to spend these next several weeks in the hospital (which my doctor will totally do if I don't cooperate) and can rest at home with Amelia.
He requires one thing of me...to simply surrender it all to Him...to make Him the center of my every day life...to surrender my worries/anxiety to Him on a daily basis.
“My strength is not found in how intensely I struggle...but in how completely I surrender.” -Ken Gire in Intense Moments with the Savior-
I WILL FIND JOY in this time of rest.
Love to all,