I'm a planner. Especially when it comes to my babies. I need to know if I'm out of commission, their world isn't turned upside down in the process.
It was almost 10:00 PM. I found myself face down, crying, while Alex told me "all will work out and be okay, God will take care of the details."
As I'm crying, I'm saying things like:
"I just dread it."
"What will we do when my Mom has to go home?"
"It's a 6 week recovery."
"6 weeks is a long time to not be able to lift my babies."
Before I could spit out another fear, I glance over at the doorway and there stands Amelia. She has a worried look on her face.
I thought she was worried because she had been standing there watching me bawl my eyes out, expressing my worries.
Me: "Amelia, why are you out of your bed?"
Amelia: "Because I'm scared of going in that dinosaur thing at the bouncy house again, I don't want to get lost again."
Me: "Amelia, you aren't going back to the bouncy house place anytime soon, don't worry about that."
Amelia: "Will you change my diaper? I'm pee-pee."
Me: "Yes, come here."
Amelia: "Mama, I want you to go with me the next time I go to the bouncy house place, k?"
Me: "Okay, but you don't need to worry about that right now, sweetie, you aren't going to the bouncy house place any time soon."
Me: "Amelia, the Bible says don't worry about...*PAUSE*
Me: "Alex, tell her what the Bible says about worrying."
Alex: "Don't worry about tomorrow, Amelia, tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Me: "Yes, so you're not going to worry about slides and I'm not going to worry about surgeries, k?"
Amelia: "Okay, Mama."
Alex patted me on the back but didn't say a word. It was his way of saying, "God gotcha on that one...He's good."
I knew what the Bible said about worrying but I couldn't even speak that scripture to Amelia because as soon as the verse was about to leave my lips, God said, "Jill, YOU stop worrying."
I was guilty of the same thing Amelia was. Though surgery might be a little more serious than a bouncy house slide, it's all the same. Worry is worry.
Worry brings anxiety.
Worry is unbelief.
To worry is to be distracted. It takes my eyes off Jesus.
I need to take it to Him in prayer and leave it at the foot of the cross. Prayer may not change my circumstances but it definitely changes me. It changes my mindset, my attitude about the situation.
My friend, Mandi shared something with me this morning that reminded me I should even thank Him for the situation.
Thank Him for that thing I dread? Yep.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
My parents used to sing this song to me:
Why worry when you can pray
Trust Jesus He'll be your stay
Don't be a doubting Thomas
Stand fully on His promise
Why worry, worry, worry, worry
When you can pray
Lord, forgive me. I trust you. Even though I don't know how it will all play out, you do. I'm giving you permission to move in and settle my restless, worried heart.